How can I let down my guard
when the man who should have
taught me about love
shattered and broke me?
How can I believe in myself
when he made me believe that
I was no good?
I was not going to succeed in
I was going to get married to a villager
and have a staircase of babies
whom I will not manage to feed
let alone educate?
Everyday I question my achievements and abilities
I want to succeed so bad but the fear
of failing is stronger than the will to try.
The voices in my head always remind me
that I’d rather not try, than attempt, fail
and disgrace myself.
How can I love when I don’t know the
language of love?
How can I love when I can’t even trust myself?
How can I love when I can’t show or
appreciate affection? The best I can give
is a blank expression and sit as still as
emotionless as a rock.
I want you to tell me when I will
be healed of this pain that bleeds my
heart so much that it blinds me from loving
This pain that has made me as cold as ice.
A pain so evident that every occurrence
in my life is a trigger.
Oh please tell me if I am good enough
If I am working and achieving my goals.
Among these goals is not getting married to a villager
who has nothing to his name, not even basic education.
He only has a small piece of shelter next to the pen
with sticks stack together and big spaces remain
The draught whistles through and bites
Oh please tell me, if I have become the woman
you wanted me to be and more. Please, tell me.