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Prisoner Of My Bitterness

    How can I let down my guard

    when the man who should have

    taught me about love

    shattered and broke me?

     

    How can I believe in myself

    when he made me believe that

    I was no good?

    I was not going to succeed in

    anything?

     

    I was going to get married to a villager

    and have a staircase of babies

    whom I will not manage to feed

    let alone educate?

     

    Everyday I question my achievements and abilities

    I want to succeed so bad but the fear

    of failing is stronger than the will to try.

    The voices in my head always remind me

    that I’d rather not try, than attempt, fail

    and disgrace myself.

     

    How can I love when I don’t know the

    language of love?

    How can I love when I can’t even trust myself?

    How can I love when I can’t show or

    appreciate affection? The best I can give

    is a blank expression and sit as still as

    emotionless as a rock.

     

    I want you to tell me when I will

    be healed of this pain that bleeds my

    heart so much that it blinds me from loving

    This pain that has made me as cold as ice.

    A pain so evident that every occurrence

    in my life is a trigger.

     

    Oh please tell me if I am good enough

    If I am working and achieving my goals.

    Among these goals is not getting married to a villager

    who has nothing to his name, not even basic education.

    He only has a small piece of shelter next to the pen

    with sticks stack together and big spaces  remain

    The draught whistles through and bites

     

    Oh please tell me, if I have become the woman

    you wanted me to be and more. Please, tell me.

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