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Prisoner of my Bitterness

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Prisoner of my Bitterness

How can I let down my guard

when the man who should have

taught me about love

shattered and broke me?

How can I believe in myself

when he made me believe that

I was no good?

I was not going to succeed in

anything?

I was going to get married to a villager

and have a staircase of babies

whom I will not manage to feed

let alone educate?

Everyday I question my achievements and abilities

I want to succeed so bad but the fear

of failing is stronger than the will to try.

The voices in my head always remind me

that I’d rather not try, than attempt, fail

and disgrace myself.

How can I love when I don’t know the

language of love?

How can I love when I can’t even trust myself?

How can I love when I can’t show or

appreciate affection? The best I can give

is a blank expression and sit as still as

emotionless as a rock.

I want you to tell me when I will

be healed of this pain that bleeds my

heart so much that it blinds me from loving

This pain that has made me as cold as ice.

A pain so evident that every occurrence

in my life is a trigger.

Oh please tell me if I am good enough

If I am working and achieving my goals.

Among these goals is not getting married to a villager

who has nothing to his name, not even basic education.

He only has a small piece of shelter next to the pen

with sticks stack together and big spaces  remain

The draught whistles through and bites

Oh please tell me, if I have become the woman

you wanted me to be and more. Please, tell me.

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